Wrong Definitions (Part 3)

This third article starts with a very foreboding warning:

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act. Prov. 3:27

One person gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty. Prov. 11:24

Anyone who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty. Job 6:14

Withholding. The definition is: (n) “Refusal to give something that is due or desired.” And secondly, (adj) “Not expressing
affection or warmth of feeling.”[1]

What do you think of when you hear the word “withhold?”

·      I think of the government’s hand in my paycheck, withholding taxes.

·      I think of people in need – people I am capable of helping, but I choose to withhold a kindness toward them, like in the above
verses.

·      But I also think about withholding myself and my life from those who have unrealistic expectations for me (as I mentioned in one of my earlier Wrong Definitions articles).

The definitions listed almost sound contradictory. How do we discern the difference here? Withholding – good in one case, withholding – bad in another case.

LOVE.

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also. 2 Cor. 6:11-13

Love. Love is the difference. Love of others. In this verse, Paul admonishes the Corinthian church because he has loved them and has not withheld his affection, but they have not been reciprocal with their love towards him. This is an example of the second definition of withholding.

Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves in Matt. 22:39. If I were to base my life on this single, isolated verse, I might be loved by many people, as I gave sacrificially to everyone. I would also be exhausted, trying to love everyone all the time in all
the ways that I could or the ways that they expected of me. But thank God, this verse does not stand in isolation. The surrounding verses help us to balance the idea.

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matt. 22:34-40

Love God first and secondly love your neighbor as yourself. If we expend ourselves in love for our neighbor, we will have nothing left for God. Because we honestly will never be enough to meet the needs of other people. When we put God first, He leads us and guides us in how to love and help our neighbor in ways that are necessary and beneficial to them.

Not only that, but God also expands our capacity to love other people and have compassion for them. I can’t make myself grow in love, but God can because He is love (1John 4:8) and He loves people more and better than I ever could. So, seeking Him and relying on Him is always the best practice for us (especially if you are like me and tend to struggle with boundaries and codependency).

But to return to our previous verse in 2 Corinthians 6, this verse suggests that love is a give and take. Paul loves the Corinthian church and that love should be returned. It’s not an “expectation.” The Corinthian church is free to choose not to love Paul, but
they cannot “expect” to receive the same care and attention as a church brimming with gratitude and reciprocating his love.

Now, this doesn’t mean that everything we do must be reciprocal. But it does mean that if I spend all my time sacrificially caring for another person – a person who is perfectly capable of caring for himself or herself – and I am neglecting my relationship with God, myself, and my family for this individual, this is an unbalanced relationship. It’s enabling.

And back to Matthew 22, Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. If we are neglecting ourselves, eventually we will love no one because we will be forced to take a sick day, or a sick month, or a sick year.

But this brings me to the other type of withholding…

SELFISHNESS.

Selfishness or, as I am calling It, misguided self-love is the concept in the other definition of withholding. “Refusal to give something that is due or desired.” Here are a couple of examples of this:

Refusal to give what is desired

I can tend to withhold myself from God and others to protect myself. If I have a prayer concern and I don’t share it because I don’t like to feel vulnerable, that is withholding myself. I struggle sometimes with a perception that there is potential harm in relationships, and that causes me to want to hide myself from the world. I can skip out on meetings, cancel appointments, and
just be guarded all the time. That is a form of unhealthy self-love. While I do understand that there are unsafe people in this world, there are ways to test the character of people and discern who in your circle is safe to open up to. This unhealthy behavior is an example of not giving what is desired, as we desire to know and be known by one another as brothers and sisters in Christ.

If the weather is right for wearing a bathing suit, I don’t want to be the person donning flannel pajamas and a winter coat. In other
words, if it is the right time to open my life and be vulnerable to other people, I don’t want to be the one person in the room who is closed and withholding my life from others. Sure, they may judge me. Sure, they may reject me. But there is also the more likely possibility that they would relate to my experience and by sharing myself, I may just open a door to conversations about
Jesus.

This withholding behavior comes from a guarded position. Self-preservation. Me trying to shield myself from something I think could be bad. But God says that He only allows good in my life and that He is a shield. We could also classify this type of withholding as not trusting God and relying on myself. The truth is that God is good at being Himself, God (he’s been doing it
for all eternity!). I am not very good at being God at all. In fact, I am quite terrible at it.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Ps. 84:11

Refusal to give what is due

Once upon a time, I was leaving the house on a Friday morning and put my hand in my pocket. Surprised, there appeared an unexpected $20 bill inside! I shot up a quick gratitude prayer to the Lord and asked Him what to do with this blessing. Immediately, the image of a homeless man came to mind. I hesitatingly set out, wanting to obey the Lord, but fearful that I would be enabling someone with an addiction problem. When I walked down the street in town, there was a person holding a cup, begging. I recognized the person and knew a little of their history, so I used my “knowledge” of past experience and I walked
past, holding onto the $20. I wondered what I could do with the money, now that God “clearly” didn’t tell me to give it to an undeserving homeless person, I reasoned.

This is a fictitious example of not giving what is due. God clearly told me to give the money to a homeless person and I refused.
Selfishness. Disobedience. Judgement of someone else’s life or life choices.

In this scenario, I was “clearly” disobedient. I could produce a million reasons to justify my disobedience. Even my own need of the $20 does not justify disobeying God. He has said that He is our Provider who would take care of our needs. (See Neh. 9:19-21).

We know the same God who provided for Israel in the wilderness back in the Old Testament! Why would He fail now? And if you doubt these promises of God, read what He says in Malachi 3:6-18. He promises to “throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it” for those obedient in giving.

I used to use this quote from Charles Stanley all the time as a new believer: “Obey God and leave all the consequences to Him.” [2] What does that look like?

In the example above, it’s not my duty to tell God whether a homeless person is going to use my $20 for good or for evil. It is my duty to be obedient. I must let Him work out how the $20 will be used. It’s a renunciation – “an act or instance of relinquishing, abandoning, repudiating, or sacrificing something, as a right, title, person, or ambition.”[3] God asks us to give up our rights and take up His way. The way of the cross. Jesus gave up His rights to free us from sin, so we give up our rights to live in obedience to Him.

We could look at it this way: do any of us deserve God’s $20? No. Not the homeless person. Not me.

MOTIVATION.

Finally, our motivation is really the litmus test here. As we have already discussed, I can withhold love by not being open with others, I can withhold kindness because of selfishness or disobedience, but I can additionally also withhold because something may be harmful. Withhold (v) “suppress or hold back (an emotion or reaction).”[4]

Sometimes, withholding can be a good thing. It says of Jesus in John 2:24-25, “But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.” As
stated before, not all people are “safe” and sometimes we have to use wisdom when spending time with them. Jesus used discernment about people, so should we.

We also at times may have information that others are not at a place of maturity to hear. For instance, if I know my friend is sensitive and she tends to have emotional outbursts from hearing bad news, it might be a loving and kind thing for me to not heap bad news on her after she had a hard day. This is where motivation comes in. We must pray and use wisdom, discernment,
and guidance from the Lord when delivering news to others. We always want to be working (again) in the dichotomy of both love and truth. As stated above: (1) Love of God, (2) Love of others in proportion to ourselves, and also adding in (3) Balanced with truth. Just because something feels urgent to me doesn’t always mean that it is urgent for other people. We must always operate within the tension of T.H.I.N.K.[5]:

Is it True? Helpful? Inspiring? Necessary? Kind?

The Bible addresses this concept in Col. 3:12-13, 1Cor. 13:4-7, Eph. 4:29b-32.

We should be wise in dealing with others, with a motivation of honoring God in all of our transactions with people. If He is at the core of our purposes, we will always act within the tension of correct usage of difficult concepts, such as withholding or not in the appropriate scenarios.